1. Split your everything bagel in half in the bag to avoid getting spices all over the kitchen. If you look at an everything bagel the wrong way, poppy seeds will fly off it and roll into kitchen grooves never to be seen again.
3. Wrap a big yard leaf around dog poo (I like to think of it as poo-shi) to pick it up and toss it in the woods when you don’t want to retrieve the scooper. A leaf also works well to cover up turds your dog leaves in the neighbor’s yard when you’ve forgotten a baggie.
4. Put items in your backpack before strapping it onto your back to avoid contorting and pulling arm muscles as you try to stuff the bag while it’s on you. This also prevents you from putting on your backpack and taking it right back off, which is something a moron would do.
5. If your workplace has a one-person shower and only a curtain separates you from the rest of the bathroom, give a courtesy cough or five to keep people from walking in on you. They will know that it’s occupied, and maybe even occupied by someone with emphysema. This also works well in toilet stalls with no locks.
6. Take your medications one at a time rather than in a giant Pill Gulp to avoid having them lodge in your throat, dam-like, forcing you to chug water and choke down bread to unclog your own gullet.
7. Crawl up stairs like a chimpanzee to spread out your body weight and to minimize strain on your aging knees. You did it when you were two, why should adulthood be any different?
8. Stop fighting back with your wife. Even if you’re right and she’s being illogical, crazy, moody, temperamental, or hormonal – stop defending yourself. It will only make things worse.
9. Keep your windshield wipers on at fast speed all of the time so you’re prepared for any sudden rain showers. Even if it doesn’t rain, the whipping metronome effect will put you in a state of deep hypnosis which is useful while you drive.
10. Resist holding your phone near an open toilet because the phone may jump out of your hand like a slippery fish and into the disgusting toilet water. Though you may dry it and pretend that you didn’t just drop your phone into the toilet (you did, twice), the phone will never work right again.