Archive for the Loose News Category

Mark Zuckerberg, Who Would You Rather Help?

Posted in Loose News, Writing with tags , , , , , on February 15, 2016 by Mike

mark

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I understand that a contemporary, one Mr. Kanye West, has solicited $1B from you in support of his “ideas.” As you consider this request and other potential investments, let me say that nurturing my ideas would not only cost much much less, but may also serve a greater good. Frankly, Kanye has plenty of his own capital to float any idea that comes out of his head, including funding for a moon landing or construction of an aqueduct from fertile land in Utah to the Kardashian compound in southern California. He can produce a 2-song demo every week and make millions from each recording. He can pose for magazines both known and unknown, endorse fabulous or worthless products on a whim, and could defecate and deposit said turd into a safe deposit box like a bar of gold. He earns money every second of every day and would not be $53M in debt if he valued his fortune. He does not need your financial backing but making such a claim has put him back into the news, a place where he feels he belongs, so this is what we’re talking about today.

But I really do have creative projects that could use a benefactor. I have 2-3 book projects and a screenplay on the back burner, along with dozens of songs, stories, articles, essays that (maybe) I could fully think through, write, and publish with proper backing. See, I have a wife, two kids, and a career that keep me from finishing, and effectively publicizing, those projects. Moreover, I have a Facebook account which takes up an estimated 14% of my time. I’ve helped you, so now it’s your turn.

Publicly endorsing an unknown artist would firmly establish you as a man for the people and render as fact the fantasy you must have for yourself, a populist dream that is usually in stark contrast with vast wealth. How would my ideas serve the greater good more than Kanye’s ideas? Well, my (hypothetical) work is universal while Kanye’s material only serves the artist and his elevated sense of self. He could go to a therapist and save you a lot of money.

I think $100K would let me take a year off and finish everything. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Mike Johnson

Celebrity switches airplane seats with Marine, gets 6-month deployment to Kandahar Province

Posted in Gags, Loose News with tags , , , on July 7, 2014 by Mike

plane switch

Jake from State Farm Investigated in Phone Sex Scandal

Posted in Loose News, Writing with tags , , , , , , , on March 23, 2014 by Mike

State Farm

The Huffington Post has reported that from 2011 through 2013, Jake from State Farm (full name Jake Silverman) had 13 disciplinary infractions involving inappropriate communication with State Farm customers. Hugh Jassol, Human Resources Vice President for State Farm, recently addressed these violations in a press conference. Jassol said, “It is true that Jake had these negative marks on his performance evaluations, but frankly, we saw a significant increase in policy upgrades so we decided to keep him in that position.”

Findings of an internal investigation reveal that Jake would search State Farm customer databases for men that met certain demographic criteria (married, 32-46 years of age, primary policy holder, criminal background) and would lure them via email with better insurance coverage at lower premiums. In the messages, the targeted men would be instructed to call Jake back in the early morning hours to limit interference by third parties.

Surveillance footage (which inexplicably made its way into the national commercial campaign that features Jake) shows Robert Callahan having phone sex with Jake at 3 a.m. on Thursday, November 13, 2012. Mr. Callahan, a known pervert and suspected sex offender, had called Jake on four consecutive evenings. On the fifth night, after finding their marital bed empty again, suspicious Louise Callahan descended the stairs and confronted her husband who was breathing heavily into the telephone. Local sources reveal that the wife was arrested for spousal battery and the husband is now seeking treatment for sex and methamphetamine addiction. The couple have since separated and their three children are in foster care.

At the time of publication, Jake Silverman is still with State Farm and has been promoted to Assistant Director of Public Relations.

In the Pressure Cooker

Posted in Loose News, Writing with tags , , , , , , on April 25, 2013 by Mike

pressure cooker-01You can’t blame an inanimate object! The gun nuts bring this up every time there’s a killing or attack using something other than a firearm. There’s a cry from the chorus, “Now they want to ban assault knives…now they want to ban assault pressure cookers, etc.” Yuk yuk. Here’s the thing: a nuclear bomb is also an inanimate object but do we want Kim Jong Un to have one? No. That’s all most Americans want with better background checks and improved policy—society should do everything possible to keep instruments of death away from people with potentially sinister motives, just like we’re doing with North Korea.

A nuclear bomb and a gun are designed to kill—that is their function and purpose. While many guns may spend their inanimate lives firing harmlessly into range targets, their manufacture and design is that of a killing machine. A knife has other purposes as does a pressure cooker, obviously. The inanimate object argument is ridiculous and it’s a shame that Tennessee Senator Stacy Campfield is getting any publicity for his moronic comments.

Match.com, Please Sponsor the Couple Mission to Mars

Posted in Loose News, Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2013 by Mike

marsWhen news broke that the Mars Foundation, funded largely by millionaire Dennis Tito, wanted to man a trip to Mars with a married couple, a chorus of earthly laughter could probably be heard from the red planet. The trip will take 501 days and the vessel will fly out to Mars, swing around the planet snapping pictures, and return to earth. No problem.

I know I chuckled, imagining my wife and me cooped up together in a space pod for 16 months. That’s a long time to be stuck with someone. No breaks or nights out with the guys. No peace. Probably not even the chance of a long uninterrupted poop with a new National Geographic. My wife and I would kill each other long before re-entering the earth’s atmosphere became a concern.

But I’m sure there are adventurous couples prepping their submission videos as we speak—Pick us! Pick us!—and no doubt that a number of couples could manage it well. But that would be boring.

I propose that Match.com sponsor this expedition.

The company runs the data and squeezes the algorithms and produces a compatible pair. Then that couple meets at the hangar, shakes hands, straps in and blasts off. Bravo will co-sponsor and 15 onboard cameras will record every second of the mission. It will be the ultimate reality television show and you could essentially run it for 16 months straight—Bravo could cancel the rest of its programming and advertisers would kill one another to place their products on the spaceship.

To placate the snobs who will reduce this to the cheeseball entertainment gimmick that it is, this pioneering space couple will also collect science for the Mars Foundation and volumes of sociological, sexual and psychological information for every other egghead studying the proceedings.

The expedition is scheduled to take place in 2018, so we have 5 years to find the perfect pair. If Match.com passes on the opportunity, maybe we can send these couples:

• Donald Trump and Bill Maher
• Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un
• Simon and Garfunkel
• Prince Harry and Jonny Depp
• Key and Peele

Paterno Hits the Showers

Posted in Gags, Loose News with tags , , on July 24, 2012 by Mike

Robert Downey Jr. in Wilmington, NC!

Posted in Loose News with tags , , on April 26, 2012 by Mike

A little cross-pollination of creative endeavors.

  http://www.menink.com/?p=3288