Archive for comedy

I Ain’t Going Anywhere

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2017 by Mike

Here’s a little ditty in case your country band is looking for new material – especially songs that use needless profanity and indirect themes. Pardon the one-take demo feel. I am a busy dad and today it’s supposed to snow here in southeastern NC, so this was recorded between pitiful questions from my kids like, “Where’s the snow?” and “When will it snow?” Also, if my wife listens to this and considers the lyrics below the embedded video, these characters are fictitious. Don’t let the first person format fool you.

Sturgill Simpson, feel free to record this. Or maybe Lyle Lovett. Or even Jackson Browne if you’re ready for a drastic career departure – I also have a freshly penned anti-Trump protest song if that’s more in line with your current mental state. I understand. Let’s make 2017 the Year of the Unknown Songwriter.


This 9 to 5 it ain’t no way to live

And I just can’t find a fuck to give

I ain’t getting paid

I barely get laid

And my motivation’s standing on a cliff


This worthless feeling, it ain’t nothing new

Buckling down seems like the thing to do

Just when I start to stand tall

I go and piss on it all

And undermine you know who


Who cares

What’s the use

Guess my board’s blown a fuse

And there ain’t no warranty on that repair

You can try to inspire me

You can coldcock or fire me

But I ain’t going anywhere


Every time you tell me that you’re done

I hear you ain’t happy and I clearly ain’t the one

You list my inactions

And your dissatisfactions
With your mama saying “girl, you better run”


I’m supposed to shit or just get off the pot

But I can’t tell if I need to go or not

So I sit there a-thinking

Just stewing and stinking

Idling with everything I’ve got


I don’t care

What’s the use

Guess my board’s blown a fuse

And there ain’t no warranty on that repair

You can threaten to leave me

But you just best believe me

Honey, I ain’t going anywhere






Posted in Gags with tags , , , , , , on January 19, 2016 by Mike

I wrote, shot, and edited a short film yesterday as an experiment with software.  It’s about a man at work who is in conflict with his needy body–urgent, pressing, insistent needs that sometimes will not go away.

Mike Johnson – Live from the The House

Posted in Gags with tags , , , , , on September 14, 2014 by Mike

“Johnson has outdone himself here. Not only are the production values low, but the jokes are stale and the delivery is poor. Let’s hope he stops with Set #1.” Bill Hicks


Don Demillo: Sick God of the Podcast

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2014 by Mike

The character of Don Demillo, a creation of madman/writer/comedian Andy Daly, is a creepy theater director who found inspiration in the NYC peep show circuit. For 18 years, he directed The Rockettes in their Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectaculars and lately has been putting on shows at the Pasadena Fairy Tale Theatre, staging depraved and adult versions of children’s classics. Guests have to enter the venue through a window in the bathroom and on stage is an interactive carnival of pornography with much of the action spilling into the hungry audience.

Demillo is a sick and twisted letch, and one of the funniest characters you will ever encounter.demillo

I imagine Andy Daly, a genial and unassuming guy otherwise, must come out of these Don Demillo sessions feeling depleted and dirty. Nearly everything Demillo utters is foul yet it must be a thrill to be able to say whatever filth crosses your mind from the relative safety of a disgusting yet harmless invented character.

I’m not sure what Daly had in his mind when Demillo first came to the microphone (as far as I can tell, this was during episode 85/“That’s One Way of Doing It” of Comedy Bang Bang, featuring a game but overwhelmed Colin Hanks). Maybe there was no back story and he simply wanted to play a creepy theater director and the rest of the story unraveled from the genius improvised interplay between the assembled comedians. Daly plays brilliantly with Matt Gourley, Scott Aukerman, Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, and many others, and to hear them collaborate on a scene and weave magic is a joy to hear, especially as you bounce from episode to episode and follow the different threads. And that is one of the many benefits of listening to comedy podcasts: Every episode will lead you to a new comic or character or podcast, and reveal an audio world that you never dreamed existed until you plugged in.

I download podcasts to my mp3 player and take them with me as I jog or drive to daycare or wander the grocery aisles. Countless times, I have cackled in line or nearly ran into traffic as I listened. There’s no reason to itemize the excellent bits that you will come across once you start a sonic exploration into the icky, jizzy underworld of Don Demillo, but they are countless. And you will listen to them repeatedly.

And for a 40+ year old man with two toddlers and a white collar cubicle gig, I sure do appreciate a little something for Daddy.