Come on Down to Johnson Suzuki

What if a cheesy radio car commercial focused on one piece of crap car and ran for a few minutes, covering all the junky elements and pitched them like features?

j suzuki ad-01

 

Click here for audio file on SoundCloud

 

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Come on down to Johnson’s Suzuki! It’s parked in the driveway of our house in Leland, North Carolina. It’s a 2005 Suzuki Forenza, wagon. Faded black, now with a fresh coat of pollen. Hey! But it’s a good car! It will get you from Point A to Point B and even gives you the option of taking the shortcut at Point C and bypassing Point D altogether. And if you drive around a beat-up car that you don’t tend to at all, you have the right of way wherever you go. Other cars know that you ain’t gonna stop ‘cause you don’t care that much about the upkeep of your vehicle.

Some of the features include:

A check engine light that stays on all the time. It will keep you alert. Also, the light for the passenger seat airbag is always on. Does the light mean it’s on or does the light mean it’s off? You may never know. Only a crash will answer the question. So you have those two extra lights coming out of your dashboard, and the glow is remarkable. Those two lights are like friends after a while. They’re always there for you.

Additional features include:

Smeared and dirty windows add privacy and value – you will never need to pay top dollar for a tint job.

There is an ice scraper on the floorboard on the passenger side. It’s still in the car even though it’s almost Summer. You will not need it but it is there just in case you decide to drive far north into the icy tundra and your…glass…gets icy and needs scraping. It’s there in case that happens.

Listen to the steady sound of cassette tapes bouncing together with every turn of the wheel. Yes, cassette tapes! Though you may never play them, they are still in the door compartments and bang against each other all of the time. Cassettes include such classics as The Temptations Give Love at Christmas and Peter Gabriel’s Security album, which came out in 1982, and you dubbed it on tape so long ago that you don’t even remember doing it.

There are two, yes two, kids seats in the back. Underneath those seats you will find old food – Cheetohs, Goldfish, countless mystery crumbs. If you wreck your car on a remote road and end up in the woods and need to wait for rescue, you will be able to survive on crumbs. And you will find toys. There is always something to play with in the Johnson Suzuki. You’ve got dolls, action figures, books, you’ve got untold treasure under the seats. In that wreck scenario, you will have dolls to talk to and eat crumbs with while you listen for the helicopters and search party.

Come down to the Johnson Suzuki TODAY!

Johnson Suzuki is a subsidiary of Johnson Mazda. FDIC-approved. Not to be combined with other offers or coupons. Shirt and shoes required. No need to play to win. Odds of winning are zero. Call the help line at 910-703-7636 if you need counseling.

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2 Responses to “Come on Down to Johnson Suzuki”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    ROFLMAO!!!!

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