Inspired by Randy Pausch’s “The Last Lecture,” Micromanaging Husband Issues “This is the Last Time I’m Going to Tell You” List to his Wife




This chest cold is getting the best of me and who knows how long I’ll be around. And clearly you still need to be shown how to get through life without fucking shit up. How you morons will survive without me is a mystery I’ll take to my grave.

First of all, the top rack of the dishwasher should be loaded from the back. There’s no way to fill the space adequately if you start at the front. You’re only filling up half the space and the top rack will fill up twice as fast as the bottom, which is clearly a dumbass way to do it.

Also, change out the toilet paper roll when one gets used up. What the hell? Is it that hard?

Something else I’ve wondered is why in the fuck would you mow clockwise for the whole backyard? Are you an idiot? That strategy blows all of the clippings into the middle of the yard so at the end you have a big stupid mountain of grass that is visible from space. It makes me want to puke whenever I see it.

Please share this with my children, the innocent babes who will have to bumble through life without my guidance. Sean, if you continue to co-mingle your Lego pieces I will come back and haunt your adolescence. And Rebecca, you are not yet a year old but use a fork, you little pig.

Good luck,




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