Enough With the Bears: Gays Need More Animal Labels
Always a creative bunch, the gay community has gone out of its way to descriptively label their own internal types. Homosexual habitats are populated by Bears (burly hairy dudes), wolves (leaner hairy dudes), cubs (young bears), otters (sleek hairy guys), and others. Sorting men into types serves a dual purpose: It makes it easier for a gay guy to hook up through easily identifiable labels (e.g., “bear seeks companionship of otter”) and it greatly amuses non-gays.
But this small group of types doesn’t even begin to cover the lively array of possibilities available in the gay universe. So let’s diversify the list.
Imagine that we’ve entered a gay club and, like scientists looking for new and exotic species, have set up camp at a table in the corner where we can observe this unique and diverse environment.
The Orangutan is a fatter, grosser bear and is less doable than a Chub (apparently, any obese gay man). In the wild, actual male orangutans reach a certain age where they’ve sufficiently reproduced and competed with other males and decide to sit around and get fat as shit. The gay Orangutan is just as pathetic. There is no challenge here and the payoff is negligible. After you’re done with an orangutan, you want to bathe and find a positive distraction as soon as possible.
Meerkats are like a prissy clique of young gays that go everywhere together and ignore the other gays. They scamper and run around and something may grab their attention long enough to make them stop and scan the scene, but then they huddle and gossip and go right back to scampering. They love to be seen and are often clothed in a similar style, frequenting the same boutiques and salons. Break into the circle only if you’re bored.
If you try to have a drink at the bar and the queen at the next stool won’t leave you alone, you have come across a Pigeon. Even though you’ve plainly declined his advances and have gone out of your way to point your attention elsewhere, the bothersome Pigeon always struts back into view. His wants are clear and the desperation makes you feel pity at first, then frustration, and ends with you cashing out your tab and finding a less creepy place to roost.
A Poodle is like a lapdog to his more interesting and better-looking partner. He’s groomed for socializing and is obedient for the most part, but approach his Daddy or say something patronizing and that yippy little queen will get in your face. A Poodle is endlessly annoying. When he isn’t sassing and puffing up his diminutive frame, he sits there with a scowl across his hairy little muzzle. Even if you have one, most poodles need to be punted.
A Peacock is a gay man who likes to show off his package by wearing thin pants and no underwear and chubbing it out to the side of his trousers. It’s obviously a shameless display, but you can’t help staring in appreciation. It is a wonder to behold. While thrilling to see one in the wild, witnessing a Peacock can make you second-guess your own dull plumage. The flashy, eye-popping spread is usually accompanied by vanity issues and a walnut brain, but who cares?
*Co-written by D. Lobo Johnson, an invaluable resource on all things gay and zoological.