A Note for Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively as They Prepare to Film Their Sex Tape

 

First of all, congratulations on your recent nuptials. Marriage is a holy union and your vows should not be taken lightly. (I would tilt the light to illuminate the corner of the bed more. Yeah, like that.) Secondly, thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it and I think I speak for a lot of guys when I say that the celebrity sex tape industry needs a couple like you. (Yes, keep Blake’s hair down. Beautiful.) Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson’s came out, then Kim Kardashian’s. Paris Hilton banged someone in there somewhere. Screech and Mini-Me laid some puny pipe—frankly, most of these are hardly worth the time and clean-up of masturbation. And lately it’s like celebrities have stopped filming themselves screwing? What’s that about? So we’re excited about your film project—it’s gonna be huge. (I would say start with Blake wearing a sundress and Ryan in the football jersey and khaki shorts.) Porn lovers have been waiting for the stars to align horizontally for decades, and it’s finally happening! Maybe you guys can costar in a porno Van Wilder sequel–Van Wilder: Big Man on Campus or something. Combining porn and comedy would surely save me money on DVDs. So, yeah. You two go ahead. Thanks again. I’ll sit back, take my pants off and get out of your way.

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