John Edwards Voted Husband of the Year in Alternate Universe

 In a controversial announcement overnight, John Edwards was voted Husband of the Year in Etisoppo, an alternate universe that lies between the 4th dimension and the Blue Crab Nebula. A spokesman for the Etisoppian civilization, Carl Fleming, made comments to the press before unveiling a bronze likeness of Mr. Edwards on the hallowed grounds of the Dickwad Sculpture Garden. Fleming noted, “John Edwards was an obvious choice for this award. As if being a slimy combination of lawyer and politician weren’t enough, he also committed the most egregious and shocking kind of adultery in recent memory, conceiving a baby with his skank mistress immediately following the news that his wife has inoperable breast cancer. We applaud his ingenuity, vision, and appalling selfishness.”  The spokesperson then presented the statue and proceeded to slither underneath a large rock to the immediate left of the podium.


2 Responses to “John Edwards Voted Husband of the Year in Alternate Universe”

  1. The man, and only I say man because there are no superlatives of his worth (and he reportedly has functioning testicles), is an exemplar. His greatness is inherent as well as mysteriously subconscious. To even attempt to mastermind the events that have unfolded in his life of recent would be pompous; a proverbial slap in the face to the “god” of Etisoppo (do they call him mephistopheles?).
    Nevertheless, in this alternate universe, in the alternate country to Britain, he would (just short of having the crown handed over to him) be merely knighted Sir John Edwards the Douche. Across the alternate globe, he should be rewarded the equivalent of our Nobel Peace Prize and heralded as a modern day saint. Women of this alternative universe would, I imagine, be lining up by the hundreds of thousands to be inseminated by his glorious loins.
    So I say, in an alternate universe, John Edwards, I tip my hat to you sir.

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