If Michael Myers Had a Cell Phone
If Michael Myers had a cell phone,
he wouldn’t need to hold a knife.
There would be no time to kill
in his new and busy life.
All those features are distracting–
there are a dozen decent games.
And the oversized address book
holds fifteen thousand names.
Haddonfield has two cell towers
so reception would be grand–
he could call up every Strode
with his Friends and Family Plan.
But his stalking would be over with,
his killing spree would end.
Creeping up and down the block
would be left to other men.
And it’s practically impossible
to hide for very long
when your cellphone’s cheesy ring tone
is the “Halloween” theme song.
There are no ear holes to speak of
in the mask he wears around.
He would have to take it off
to maximize the sound.
So there goes all the secrecy—
his face would then be shown.
He’d be just another jackass schmo
chatting on his phone.