If Michael Myers Had a Cell Phone

m myers with cell

If  Michael Myers had a cell phone,

he wouldn’t need to hold a knife.

There would be no time to kill

in his new and busy life.


All those features are distracting–

there are a dozen decent games.

And the oversized address book

holds fifteen thousand names.


Haddonfield has two cell towers

so reception would be grand–

he could call up every Strode

with his Friends and Family Plan.


But his stalking would be over with,

his killing spree would end.

Creeping up and down the block

would be left to other men.


And it’s practically impossible

to hide for very long

when your cellphone’s cheesy ring tone

is the “Halloween” theme song.


There are no ear holes to speak of

in the mask he wears around.

He would have to take it off

to maximize the sound.


So there goes all the secrecy—

his face would then be shown.

He’d be just another jackass schmo

chatting on his phone.


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