My intention for this post was to provide oddball audio clips for a quick giggle or headscratch. I found several things I wanted to include but ended up ramming into some technical and legal obstacles. First of all, to pull this off I would need to purchase an upgrade from WordPress (both Lord and High Priest for this blog) just to attach audio files and I generally balk at the word “purchase.” Secondly, I would need to own the copyrights for my attachments. That’s where they really got me. Although I am not above scamming faceless entities for the amusement of others, especially in a forum with no revenue, I didn’t want to step on someone else’s creative rights. However, there are pages in the far reaches of cyberspace that have already posted the sound files, so we’ll piggyback off of them and let them get in trouble.
I downloaded some of these files to my mp3 player and took them out on a jog yesterday afternoon. I never realized there was a connection between Bigfoot, David Lee Roth, and Charles Bukowski, but there is. The evidence was in the earbuds. It was horrifying and unmistakable. Follow these links and listen to the sound clips in order:
1. This is a clip that features the apparent vocalization of a Bigfoot. It was recorded in the late 1970’s out in the deep wilds of California.
2. David Lee Roth is heard here on the vocal track of “Running with the Devil,” but without the surrounding musical context. Roth’s unique instrument is on full display.
3. A writer with a renowned ability to touch you with his depravity, here’s a recording of Charles Bukowski reading his poem, “The Soldier, His Wife, and a Bum.”
Did you listen to them all? Was it in a relatively quick succession? Maybe it’s me—and maybe it’s because I heard these clips one after the next, many many times through, as I jogged around the suburbs while my neighbors may have guessed at my choice of music but none guessed Bigfoot—but there is a pattern. There’s something there.
What we are listening to could very well be vocal recordings of Tarzan, the Legend of Greystoke himself. These are the tapes that chronicle his evolution from savage beast to civilized man. [Replay clip 1] Tarzan emerges from the primordial forest. He is gigantic. He has heard activity around his den for a few days and has spied on the researchers with their sound equipment and their Beanie-Weenies. He is frankly tired of being disturbed. But he appears in the clearing and moves closer to the odd-looking device smeared in peanut butter. It is a microphone. He noses it, ruts around, sniffs, snorts, cackles like Satan himself, and whistles. He actually whistles as he skips back into the ferns and overhanging tree limbs and vines! What the hell? The researchers play back the tape and start looking around for a translator.
They capture Tarzan, drag him from the jungle and begin to teach him English. They dress him in spandex leotards and are amazed by his blond locks and leaping abilities. He grasps certain sounds and words but ultimately speaks as he did in the jungle, through yells, mumbles, screams and whoops. The teachers put headphones on his head and play music to inspire him. [Replay clip 2] They have booked the studio at $5 thousand a day and he, even in an ape-like way, feels pressure to perform. He can’t stay on that plane for take after take without something to keep him up, so he does a bunch of blow and babbles incoherently until the tape ends.
Years later, by the time he reaches old age, Tarzan looks like any other man. There is a weary sadness to his wretched face, but he could pass you on the street and you would have no idea that he was a trained monkeyman. He can nearly walk upright. Once in a while his teachers put a microphone in his face and expect him to say something wise or amusing or off the wall. He is clearly perplexed by his notoriety and fame and is surprised that anyone would want to record him. [Replay clip 3] He is disconnected, apart, a stranger amongst silly and unreadable humans, and can never relate to them in any real or tangible way. Late at night when the music is soft and the neighbors have finally given up on screwing themselves into a better life, Tarzan sleeps and returns to the jungle.
* Later still, as Tarzan dreams jungle dreams, “American Top 40” comes on another station. [Casey Kasem Bonus Clip] . We are all animals.