Wine by the Label

Buying wine can be a real challenge. You have to consider the meal, the occasion, the company, the price, and so forth.  And there are essentially hundreds to choose from.  Don’t fret. The wine label is there to help you.  Any moron can make a smart wine decision just by picking a catchy label. Here are some examples of what to buy and not to buy, from a guy who knows close to nothing about the subject. Cheers!

3 Blind Moose Cabernet Sauvignon

3 Blind Moose Cabernet Sauvignon

Nothing says, “I wandered the wine aisle aimlessly and finally latched on to this one in utter frustration,”  quite like this selection.  Keep groping.

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Earth Wise Pinot Grigio

Earth Wise Pinot Grigio

Your neo-hippie friends will be amazed that you can’t part with your conservation-obsession even when you’re in the wine store. Any empty bottle of Earth Wise would look downright beautiful in a recycling bin.

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Iron Chef Merlot

Iron Chef Merlot

A bottle of Iron Chef Merlot shows that you are drawn to any kind of branding whatsoever—this may be the weirdest merchandising concept ever.

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Spanish Tempranillo/Shiraz

Tempra Tantrum Tempranillo/Shiraz

A perfect wine to chug with a 22 oz. Porterhouse steak, loaded baked potato, and a steaming pile of buttered rolls. Any red-blooded man should have this on an I.V. drip.

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Rex Gloiath Merlot

H.R.M. Rex Goliath Merlot

Subtle references to your massive schlong are great ice breakers.

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Alice White Cabernet Sauvignon

Alice White Cabernet Sauvignon

A company clearly catering to the cute animal-loving demographic. A boozed-up koala would be catchier and more original.

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Red Truck Red Wine

Red Truck Red Wine

Show her that you are equal parts wine buff and shameless, country bumpkin.

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Red Cliffe Pinot Noir

Red Cliffe Pinot Noir

Take this bottle over to your friend’s apartment who’s been threatening suicide, it will cheer him right up.

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Luna di Luna Pink Merlot

Luna di Luna Pink Merlot

Buy this to celebrate coming out of the closet or if you run out of Pepto-Bismal.

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Thierry & Guy Fat Bastard Shiraz

Thierry & Guy Fat Bastard Shiraz

Show her what kind of man you intend to be once the lame courtship is over.

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Smoking Loon Merlot

Smoking Loon Merlot

She is hot, yet she is crazy as hell. Bring this jug of bitter truth to her house and toast to all the possibilities.

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6 Responses to “Wine by the Label”

  1. I always wondered why I was so drawn to the Rex Goliath.

  2. […] that problem by suggesting that the new code include wording that allowed hens while prohibiting roosters. One interesting comment called the whole thing a fad and wondered if it wouldn’t just be […]

  3. Two things…
    1) dont knock 3 Blind Moose..its tasty enough for the cost….
    2) as a card carrying homo, i would never CONSIDER buying that hot pink Luna de Luna thing….it would clash with my drapes…

  4. I was wondering where all card-carrying homos were. Thanks for representing, Talen! I’m sure your drapes are fabulous. Cheers!

  5. Love this article!!

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