Wine by the Label
Buying wine can be a real challenge. You have to consider the meal, the occasion, the company, the price, and so forth. And there are essentially hundreds to choose from. Don’t fret. The wine label is there to help you. Any moron can make a smart wine decision just by picking a catchy label. Here are some examples of what to buy and not to buy, from a guy who knows close to nothing about the subject. Cheers!
Nothing says, “I wandered the wine aisle aimlessly and finally latched on to this one in utter frustration,” quite like this selection. Keep groping.
Your neo-hippie friends will be amazed that you can’t part with your conservation-obsession even when you’re in the wine store. Any empty bottle of Earth Wise would look downright beautiful in a recycling bin.
A bottle of Iron Chef Merlot shows that you are drawn to any kind of branding whatsoever—this may be the weirdest merchandising concept ever.
A perfect wine to chug with a 22 oz. Porterhouse steak, loaded baked potato, and a steaming pile of buttered rolls. Any red-blooded man should have this on an I.V. drip.
Subtle references to your massive schlong are great ice breakers.
A company clearly catering to the cute animal-loving demographic. A boozed-up koala would be catchier and more original.
Show her that you are equal parts wine buff and shameless, country bumpkin.
Take this bottle over to your friend’s apartment who’s been threatening suicide, it will cheer him right up.
Buy this to celebrate coming out of the closet or if you run out of Pepto-Bismal.
Show her what kind of man you intend to be once the lame courtship is over.
She is hot, yet she is crazy as hell. Bring this jug of bitter truth to her house and toast to all the possibilities.