Buzzfeed Runs Out of Quiz Ideas

Posted in Gags with tags , , , , on April 8, 2014 by Mike

buzzfeed

Jake from State Farm Investigated in Phone Sex Scandal

Posted in Loose News, Writing with tags , , , , , , , on March 23, 2014 by Mike

State Farm

The Huffington Post has reported that from 2011 through 2013, Jake from State Farm (full name Jake Silverman) had 13 disciplinary infractions involving inappropriate communication with State Farm customers. Hugh Jassol, Human Resources Vice President for State Farm, recently addressed these violations in a press conference. Jassol said, “It is true that Jake had these negative marks on his performance evaluations, but frankly, we saw a significant increase in policy upgrades so we decided to keep him in that position.”

Findings of an internal investigation reveal that Jake would search State Farm customer databases for men that met certain demographic criteria (married, 32-46 years of age, primary policy holder, criminal background) and would lure them via email with better insurance coverage at lower premiums. In the messages, the targeted men would be instructed to call Jake back in the early morning hours to limit interference by third parties.

Surveillance footage (which inexplicably made its way into the national commercial campaign that features Jake) shows Robert Callahan having phone sex with Jake at 3 a.m. on Thursday, November 13, 2012. Mr. Callahan, a known pervert and suspected sex offender, had called Jake on four consecutive evenings. On the fifth night, after finding their marital bed empty again, suspicious Louise Callahan descended the stairs and confronted her husband who was breathing heavily into the telephone. Local sources reveal that the wife was arrested for spousal battery and the husband is now seeking treatment for sex and methamphetamine addiction. The couple have since separated and their three children are in foster care.

At the time of publication, Jake Silverman is still with State Farm and has been promoted to Assistant Director of Public Relations.

Under the Pillow Art Gallery

Posted in Toons, Writing with tags , , , , on March 15, 2014 by Mike

For the past several weeks, our nightly routine has taken an artistic detour. After I help him brush his teeth and tuck him in, my young son tells me what he wants on his drawing. Sometimes it’s something extremely specific and random–“draw me and Ben Loper eating construction worker cupcakes”–but when his mind is tired and his eyes are heavy, he relinquishes control and tells me to think of something to draw. Not only am I to produce a small original piece of artwork every night, I’m also expected to tape coins to the picture for him to peel off and place into the zippered part of his wallet. My son is five.

I don’t recall how or why this even started, but it is now an expectation. Sometime between the newspaper puzzles and the commercial breaks, I lie on the floor and create a little picture. I use a black pen and a scrap of recycled office paper. No matter how ridiculous it looks in the early stages, I don’t start over and I try not to obsess over the imperfections. When I’ve sufficiently filled up the little piece of paper, I tape on the “metal money” and place the drawing under his pillow.

I like to doodle but am by no means a professional illustrator, so on most mornings the first words I hear from my son revolve around his disappointment over the previous night’s artistic offering. This always stings a little (even bad artists need constant validation) but I listen to his complaints and try to use his criticism to help shape my future work.

The first few selections were very simple and uninspired, my wife sat in one night as resident artist, and one note consisted of only a written message, a well-intentioned incident that was meant to transform the frivolous activity into a learning opportunity. That approach was abandoned immediately. Not every exchange between parent and child needs to be laced with purpose. Sometimes magic resides in the oddball ritual, in the messy stuff, in the shading of crude domestic art, in the persistent push against your own limitations.

Sifter Christian

Posted in Toons with tags , , , , , , , on February 9, 2014 by Mike

sifter_final

Black E.T.

Posted in Toons with tags , , , on February 1, 2014 by Mike


BET

Daft Punk in the News

Posted in Gags with tags , , , , , , , on January 27, 2014 by Mike

  daft punk_bobsled

daft punk_crash

daft punk_tenacious d

daft punk_riot

daft punk_motorcycle

 

 

The Tao of Doodling

Posted in Toons with tags , , , , , on January 24, 2014 by Mike
 
Drawing with a pen,
and respecting a pen’s unforgiving permanence,
makes you move beyond goofy mistakes in proportion and spacing,
and lets you compensate through sheer embellishment.
Work with what you’ve got.  Life (‘s difficulties) imitating (crude) art.

fos sucking thumb

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