The Return of the Savage Dog: This Time It’s Personal

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , on August 23, 2014 by Mike

dog2Last fall I wrote an article for the StarNews about what to do if charged by an aggressive dog. I had been confronted by a snarling canine during a neighborhood jog and wanted to find out the proper response. After interviewing an expert and arming myself with arcane information, statistics, and regional trends about dog bites, I felt prepared in case the scary dog ever approached me again.

Well, a few months later the same dog charged me. This time I was ready and this time I was bitten.

When I came around the bend of our residential circle, I was listening to a comedy podcast on my mp3 player, simply lost in a scene and giggling to myself. Then the atmosphere shifted. I saw the big black dog bolting from his yard. I had several seconds to retrieve the information from its mental folder–the one labeled What the Dog Expert Said–and immediately stopped running, averted eye contact, put my arms down by my sides, and tried to emit a non-threatening vibe, like I was supposed to do.

The dog ran right up to me and chomped onto my upper left thigh, leaving a deep puncture wound. The plan switched from “I Come in Peace” to “Get This Beast Away From Me.” As he leaped and snarled and made repeated lunges towards me, I swatted at his muzzle and did all I could to keep his mouth away from my body. It was like slap boxing for my life.

At some point in the melee, the dog scratched my back and triceps and I fell backwards into the grass by the road. (Reminder: this happened on my residential circle–maybe 100 yards from where my serene family was having breakfast and had no idea Daddy was in a dogfight.) When I landed on my back, I knew I was in trouble and my priority then was to keep the dog from my face and neck.

Luckily, a kid that lived in the house had heard the menacing barks and human curses and came to my rescue. He called the dog off and I clambered back to my feet. I was relieved to find all of my fingers and no serious damage besides the tooth hole in my thigh and the raking scratch across the back of my arm.

In defense of the expert I had interviewed previously, she did note that there is no 100 percent guaranteed effective response. Even if you stop running, show submission, or quickly grill the dog a bratwurst, it may bite you anyways. When that happens, your main goal is to mitigate the damage.

What surprised me the most during my encounter was my complete lack of what some call “the killer instinct.” I could have assumed dominance and punted the dog in the face or ribs, anything. Yet even as it growled and jumped, I knew I didn’t want to hurt it.  More than anything, I wasn’t sure what to do. All I could do was stay on the defensive and see what would happen next. Fight or flight. According to adage, those are the two options. I think we should add flounder to the drop-down list.

As it turns out, I flounder in tense moments when unexpected danger comes into play. The dog attack brought back a shameful memory.

My brother and I were latchkey kids in the early 80s. At the time, our mom was a probation officer and she had a few wackos assigned to her. Beyond the fact that there was some partially-justified paranoia about convicts coming to our house to dismember us, we were also devotees of classic horror movies from that era so any isolated moment had the potential to end in a bloody death at the hands of a masked lunatic. I thought about that all the time and the Iron Maiden posters on my bedroom wall provided little comfort.

One day I came home from school by myself. I was maybe in the 5th grade. My brother had some sort of an appointment so I was on my own to open the back door, come inside, veg, and snack. Of course, I had the long walk down my street to get good and scared. When the bus dropped me off, I scanned the woods for movement. I watched for old suspicious cars to slowly turn down our street. I felt murderous eyes upon me with every step and I wanted to sprint the last 50 yards to our house.

I let myself into the back door that opened to our laundry room, and shut it behind me. I had made it! Moments later I heard thundering footsteps coming down the stairs. Someone was inside the supposedly empty house and tearing down the stairs like he was in a race. I had a few precious seconds to get a weapon or run from the house–instead I slid down the wall, sobbing, and with pitiful resignation awaited my executioner.

My brother opened the door to the laundry room and gaped at me heaped in the corner, eyes closed, heaving melodramatically. He was back from his appointment early. He may’ve said, “What’s the matter?” And I may’ve answered, “I thought you were someone else.” That’s the best my memory can produce as far as a transcript. But it did become an immediate joke, one that has endured for over thirty years. It was also an early look inside to see what I’m made of, and it turns out that I’m a cream-filled donut.

The encounter with the dog brought all that back. Even though the incidents are separated by decades, this floundering in the face of peril is part of a larger pattern. No matter the preparation and in spite of close-at-hand rationality, you never know how you will react in those situations.

Be prepared but realize that the tables can turn in an instant and you may be forced to think defensively. In fact, if your luck is anything like mine the pain and injustice may continue long after the bite. The defensive stance may need to be held for weeks after the incident as you square off with the owners of the dog that bit you. You may still need to brace for questionable enforcement of county laws and watch how protocol gets trumped by local political connections. You may still need to hobble into the clinic to get treatment for your infected thigh hole. And when it’s all over, you may still need to jog by that same house–still unfenced with the same biting dog somewhere inside–armed with mace like a debutante at her first frat party.

All bets are off. Be ready to react whether you’re facing hostility, ineptitude, local corruption, or your own inner wuss. It will only help your stamina.

 

 

Don Demillo: Sick God of the Podcast

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2014 by Mike

The character of Don Demillo, a creation of madman/writer/comedian Andy Daly, is a creepy theater director who found inspiration in the NYC peep show circuit. For 18 years, he directed The Rockettes in their Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectaculars and lately has been putting on shows at the Pasadena Fairy Tale Theatre, staging depraved and adult versions of children’s classics. Guests have to enter the venue through a window in the bathroom and on stage is an interactive carnival of pornography with much of the action spilling into the hungry audience.

Demillo is a sick and twisted letch, and one of the funniest characters you will ever encounter.demillo

I imagine Andy Daly, a genial and unassuming guy otherwise, must come out of these Don Demillo sessions feeling depleted and dirty. Nearly everything Demillo utters is foul yet it must be a thrill to be able to say whatever filth crosses your mind from the relative safety of a disgusting yet harmless invented character.

I’m not sure what Daly had in his mind when Demillo first came to the microphone (as far as I can tell, this was during episode 85/“That’s One Way of Doing It” of Comedy Bang Bang, featuring a game but overwhelmed Colin Hanks). Maybe there was no back story and he simply wanted to play a creepy theater director and the rest of the story unraveled from the genius improvised interplay between the assembled comedians. Daly plays brilliantly with Matt Gourley, Scott Aukerman, Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, and many others, and to hear them collaborate on a scene and weave magic is a joy to hear, especially as you bounce from episode to episode and follow the different threads. And that is one of the many benefits of listening to comedy podcasts: Every episode will lead you to a new comic or character or podcast, and reveal an audio world that you never dreamed existed until you plugged in.

I download podcasts to my mp3 player and take them with me as I jog or drive to daycare or wander the grocery aisles. Countless times, I have cackled in line or nearly ran into traffic as I listened. There’s no reason to itemize the excellent bits that you will come across once you start a sonic exploration into the icky, jizzy underworld of Don Demillo, but they are countless. And you will listen to them repeatedly.

And for a 40+ year old man with two toddlers and a white collar cubicle gig, I sure do appreciate a little something for Daddy.

girls

 

Celebrity switches airplane seats with Marine, gets 6-month deployment to Kandahar Province

Posted in Gags, Loose News with tags , , , on July 7, 2014 by Mike

plane switch

Are You My Supper? Rewriting a Classic

Posted in Gags, Writing with tags , , , , , , , on June 18, 2014 by Mike

Any parent of a toddler is a connoisseur of children’s books. Some of the books are painful, most are enjoyable, and a few spin magic and become part of the nightly routine. Both of my young kids enjoy story time, and that makes me very happy, but even the most brilliant words and delightful illustrations can get tiresome after dozens and dozens of readings.

One of our favorites is P.D. Eastman’s “Are You My Mother?” It’s a sweet story about a newly hatched bird trying to find it’s mom after leaving the empty nest. I love this book and think the creative execution was flawless.

However, it intrigued me to consider what the book would be like if you stripped out the existing text and made up a new story with new words. The pictures and flow would have to remain unchanged–basically, it would be a rewrite but using the same visual context as a guide.

The result is captured in the following panels. Thanks for the inspiration, Mr. Eastman. A link to the original story is at the bottom of this post. If you’ve never read it, perhaps you want to start there and come back to my silly rewrite!

supper cover

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THE END

Below is a link to a reading of the original book. Pick up a copy for yourself. Both of my kids love it! Thank you, P.D. Eastman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1s4ZUYgUGw

 

 

 

 

 

What’s in the Oven?

Posted in Family, Music with tags , , , , , , on June 12, 2014 by Mike

Before I even thought of myself as a father, I was a man with a pregnant wife. Somehow it didn’t become real until my son came out and I held him in my arms and felt the world shift.  Before that moment, I had to ponder what was in there. I wrote a silly song about it back then and maybe some of you dads out there will remember the curious wait.

Happy Father’s Day weekend!

watermelon baby

What’s in the Oven sound file

What’s in the Oven?

My precious wife is now with child

And baby stuff is our new style

It’s so wild to watch the pile grow

Our six doctors help us out

They tell us what will happen now

They give us books that show us what to know

There is one that thing I have come to realize

It’s a cheesy way they estimate the baby’s size

First it’s a peanut, a kumquat, a lime, then a lemon

What’s with all these fruit-bearing women

I want a baby not something down the produce aisle

I want arms and legs and true genitalia

Eyes and ears and a nose that can smell you

I want a baby but I guess it’s gonna be a while

So I watch her belly rise

Like she’s baking baby pies

There’s a growing sense of wonder in the air

We’re thumbing through the guides

To see what’s going on inside

And find out just what’s rooted down in there

Before the useful information can begin

They put you back into the grocery store again

It’s a tomato, potato, banana, now a carrot

Dream up any food and they’ll compare it

So glad the sonogram shows something vaguely humanoid

It’s got arms and legs and true genitalia

We’ve got some photographs to email you

We’ve got a baby

We’ve got a little baby boy

2014 Makobranch Music
All rights reserved

Free Lullaby

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , on May 30, 2014 by Mike

Sleepy sound file

sleepy

Sleepy

It’s time to go to bed, Sleepy

When the daylight is gone

And your brain is all wrong

And the covers are calling your name

It’s time to go to bed, Sleepy

Kick off your clothes

And stretch out your toes

Because tomorrow is more of the same

 

When the great big world

Is closed for the night

And you’ve done all you needed to do

Lay right down

Don’t make a sound

Let the dream guys come see you

Sleepy, why ain’t you sleepy?

 

It’s time to go to bed, Sleepy

Cut off the TV

There’s no more to see

Four hours is more than enough

It’s time to go to bed, Sleepy

Put down the book

Don’t give me that look

There’s no time for educational stuff

 

When the sun rolls over

And faces the wall

And the clocks all start to yawn

Lay right down

Don’t make a sound

Hail the dream train and hop on

Sleepy, why ain’t you sleepy?

 

 2014 Makobranch Music
All Rights Reserved

 

Buzzfeed Runs Out of Quiz Ideas

Posted in Gags with tags , , , , on April 8, 2014 by Mike

buzzfeed

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